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الموضوع: Story of Zahra

  1. #1
    الصورة الرمزية محمد نعمان الحكيمي شاعر
    تاريخ التسجيل : Apr 2006
    المشاركات : 2,990
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    افتراضي Story of Zahra


    DREAM AND DEMON

    By / Afeef Al-Hazzami. Taiz,Yemen

    Translated by/ Mohammad Noaman Al-Hakimi

    Zahra Was a beautiful and a highbrow lady ; who had just married to Dr Nabil . She was brought to live with him in the village . Zahra was besides herself with joy. She had just finished her college years , and looked forward to a rewarding career; side by side with her husband who’ worked for hospital there . Thus she had envisaged for herself and had actively aspired for all her past life .
    Nabil began to work in the city after he finished his obligatory service in the village, leaving his wife behind . He was in the habit of returning back to his village at weekends . Once Zahra asked him to rent a house for them both in the city, so that she might have the opportunity to change her place & work in the city ,but Nabil ignored her proposal which made her more insistent on her demand. The fall- out was that Nabil was unable to evade the issue and revealed his mind to her . He told her that he did not approve of the idea of going to work . He would rather prefer that she stays at home as a housewife.

    Zahra felt as she had missed a heart-beat due to this inglorious decision and felt extremely upset. She felt as her wings were being clipped. This was followed by poignant argument that heated up little by little & ended with Nabil belittling his wife & Zahra’s crying and walking out of the room . She couldn’t sleep all the night long . She began to think with regret of the past life, she remembered the day of her betrothal to Nabil whom she didn’t know well. She had learnt that he was a doctor, who had just come from abroad where he was studying medicine and that was all she knew . she accepted him with no much consideration , believing that she would never face problem frustrating their domestic life , like this one .Memory of ex-another college revived in her mind. That young man fell in love with her & did his best to get close to her .
    However she treated him with discretion as any other colleague in the college irrespective of the fact that she fell that something strong hauling her to his side.
    Nabil was prevailed upon to take her to her father's house. She told her father the story .Then her father tried to work on Nabil to be reasonable & human an his judgment , however her husband perished in his stand.
    After some time Zahra was sent to her husband's house at her fathers behest . This came to an end to the cherished dream of Zahra and the future she had all along nursed , was shuttered into pieces , with it lay dead all what she had thought of pertaining to woman and her other significant role in society and life as a whole .
    Zahra returned back home with her husband. In the course of time, the got a baby child and named her Nada .
    But the treatment she received at the house of her husband worsened day by day .He used to spend long time away from house. Her health deteriorated and she suffered attacks of depression and convulsion on and off .
    One day her father came to see her .He felt very disturbed to find his daughter changed a lot . she narrated the plight to him and she was therefore brought to her father's place of residence.
    Her father went to the hospital to find out Nabil and he was told that Nabil was celebrating his honey moon outdoors. The father was extremely put off by this piece of information, particularly when he learnt that Nabil had got married a second time to the hospital manager's daughter. Then he took his address and went there .When he arrived he knocked the door violently and
    Nabil came out very furious . What followed crossed all the fundamental of decency culminating in a very depressive outcome for the former wife who lay desolate and rejected begging for an explanation .Her father collected so many people and revealed to them such betrayer and treacherous man who was dead to all senses of pity and loyalty .



    أرجو أن يتفهم المزن أمية الرمل

  2. #2
  3. #3
    الصورة الرمزية محمد نعمان الحكيمي شاعر
    تاريخ التسجيل : Apr 2006
    المشاركات : 2,990
    المواضيع : 230
    الردود : 2990
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    افتراضي

    عدت الآن و قد فات وقت تعديل النص لتعديل بعض الأخطاء الطباعية


    DREAM AND DEMON

    By / Afeef Al-Hazzami. Taiz,Yemen


    Translated by/ Mohammad Noaman Al-Hakimi


    Zahra was a beautiful and a highbrow lady who had just married to Dr Nabil . She was brought to live with him in the village . Zahra was besides herself with joy. She had just finished her college years , and looked forward to a rewarding career; side by side with her husband who worked for hospital
    there . Thus she had envisaged for herself and had actively aspired for all her past life

    Nabil began to work in the city after he finished his obligatory service in the village, leaving his wife behind . He was in the habit of returning back to his village at weekends . Once Zahra asked him to rent a house for them both in the city, so that she might have the opportunity to change her place & work in the city ,but Nabil ignored her proposal which made her more insistent on her demand. The fall- out was that Nabil was unable to evade the issue and revealed his mind to her . He told her that he did not approve of the idea of going to work . He would rather prefer that she stays at home as a housewife

    Zahra felt as she had missed a heart-beat due to this inglorious decision and felt extremely upset. She felt as her wings were being clipped. This was followed by a poignant argument that heated up little by little & ended with Nabil belittling his wife and Zahra’s crying and walking out of the room . She couldn’t sleep all the night long . She began to think with regret of the past life, she remembered the day of her betrothal to Nabil whom she didn’t know well. She had learnt that he was a doctor, who had just come from abroad where he was studying medicine and that was all she knew . she accepted him with no much consideration , believing that she would never face problem frustrating their domestic life like this one .Memory of ex-another colleague revived in her mind. That young man fell in love with her & did his best to get close to her
    However she treated him with discretion as any other colleague in the college irrespective of the fact that she fell that something strong hauling her to his side.
    Nabil was prevailed upon to take her to her father's house. She told her father the story .Then her father tried to work on Nabil to be reasonable & human in his judgment , however her husband perished in his stand
    After some time Zahra was sent to her husband's house at her fathers's behest . This came to an end to the cherished dream of Zahra and the future she had all along nursed was shuttered into pieces , with it lay dead all what she had thought of pertaining to woman and her other significant role in society and life as a whole
    Zahra returned back home with her husband. In the course of time, they got a baby child and named her Nada
    But the treatment she received at the house of her husband worsened day by day .He used to spend long time away from house. Her health deteriorated and she suffered attacks of depression and convulsion on and off
    One day her father came to see her .He felt very disturbed to find his daughter changed a lot . she narrated the plight to him and she was therefore brought to her father's place of residence
    Her father went to the hospital to find out Nabil and he was told that Nabil was celebrating his honey moon outdoors. The father was extremely put off by this piece of information, particularly when he learnt that Nabil had got married a second time to the hospital manager's daughter. Then he took his address and went there .When he arrived he knocked the door violently and
    Nabil came out very furious . What followed crossed all the fundamental of decency culminating in a very depressive outcome for the former wife who lay desolate and rejected begging for an explanation Her father collected so many people and revealed to them such betrayer and treacherous man who was dead to all senses of pity and loyalty

  4. #4
    قلم منتسب
    تاريخ التسجيل : May 2012
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    افتراضي

    مساء الخير أخي،

    والله لن أجاملك لأنني أعلم أنك لست ممن يحبون المجاملة..
    ما تزال في النص بضعة أخطاء..
    تحياتي الصادقة أخي

  5. #5
    الصورة الرمزية محمد نعمان الحكيمي شاعر
    تاريخ التسجيل : Apr 2006
    المشاركات : 2,990
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    افتراضي

    و أنا تلميذك يا رجل
    سأقبل بالأخطاء متى ما تفضلت علي بها يا أستاذنا العارف
    و سأقول هنا : أنا أخطأت
    و لن ألوم حتى العتمة و الكيبورد
    و أرجو ان لا تنسى ، قبل الأخطاء الطباعية و الإملائية إن وجدت ، أن تخبرني عن رأيك
    في أسلوب ترجمة هذا النص
    و عن الجوانب الإيجابية إن ، فقط ، وجدت و كان هناك ما يستحق
    و لا تنس ، أخي ، أن تكتب إلي بالانجليزية كون الموضوع بالانجليزية

    Rgds

    Hakimi

  6. #6

  7. #7
  8. #8
    قلم منتسب
    تاريخ التسجيل : May 2012
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    افتراضي

    اقتباس المشاركة الأصلية كتبت بواسطة محمد نعمان الحكيمي مشاهدة المشاركة
    عدت الآن و قد فات وقت تعديل النص لتعديل بعض الأخطاء الطباعية


    DREAM AND DEMON

    By / Afeef Al-Hazzami. Taiz,Yemen


    Translated by/ Mohammad Noaman Al-Hakimi


    Zahra was a beautiful and a highbrow lady who had just married to Dr Nabil . She was brought to live with him in the village . Zahra was besides herself with joy. She had just finished her college years , and looked forward to a rewarding career; side by side with her husband who worked for hospital
    there . Thus she had envisaged for herself and had actively aspired for all her past life

    Nabil began to work in the city after he finished his obligatory service in the village, leaving his wife behind . He was in the habit of returning back to his village at weekends . Once Zahra asked him to rent a house for them both in the city, so that she might have the opportunity to change her place & work in the city ,but Nabil ignored her proposal which made her more insistent on her demand. The fall- out was that Nabil was unable to evade the issue and revealed his mind to her . He told her that he did not approve of the idea of going to work . He would rather prefer that she stays at home as a housewife

    Zahra felt as she had missed a heart-beat due to this inglorious decision and felt extremely upset. She felt as her wings were being clipped. This was followed by a poignant argument that heated up little by little & ended with Nabil belittling his wife and Zahra’s crying and walking out of the room . She couldn’t sleep all the night long . She began to think with regret of the past life, she remembered the day of her betrothal to Nabil whom she didn’t know well. She had learnt that he was a doctor, who had just come from abroad where he was studying medicine and that was all she knew . she accepted him with no much consideration , believing that she would never face problem frustrating their domestic life like this one .Memory of ex-another colleague revived in her mind. That young man fell in love with her & did his best to get close to her
    However she treated him with discretion as any other colleague in the college irrespective of the fact that she fell that something strong hauling her to his side.
    Nabil was prevailed upon to take her to her father's house. She told her father the story .Then her father tried to work on Nabil to be reasonable & human in his judgment , however her husband perished in his stand
    After some time Zahra was sent to her husband's house at her fathers's behest . This came to an end to the cherished dream of Zahra and the future she had all along nursed was shuttered into pieces , with it lay dead all what she had thought of pertaining to woman and her other significant role in society and life as a whole
    Zahra returned back home with her husband. In the course of time, they got a baby child and named her Nada
    But the treatment she received at the house of her husband worsened day by day .He used to spend long time away from house. Her health deteriorated and she suffered attacks of depression and convulsion on and off
    One day her father came to see her .He felt very disturbed to find his daughter changed a lot . she narrated the plight to him and she was therefore brought to her father's place of residence
    Her father went to the hospital to find out Nabil and he was told that Nabil was celebrating his honey moon outdoors. The father was extremely put off by this piece of information, particularly when he learnt that Nabil had got married a second time to the hospital manager's daughter. Then he took his address and went there .When he arrived he knocked the door violently and
    Nabil came out very furious . What followed crossed all the fundamental of decency culminating in a very depressive outcome for the former wife who lay desolate and rejected begging for an explanation Her father collected so many people and revealed to them such betrayer and treacherous man who was dead to all senses of pity and loyalty
    Hello,
    I really like your reaction concerning the "mistake thing". Most people tend to "justify" their mistakes, sometimes really awkwardly. I personally accept constructive criticism.
    Well, I'm writing in English as you have generously suggested.
    If one is to get back to the translated version of the text, one would certainly have to acknowledge the fact that it's really difficult to "judge" the quality of the translation in the absence of the origin. I tend to think, however, that the ideas are ok. (A reader versed in two language, here Arabic and English, would always "try" to read the original text, to reconstruct it in a way through the translated one, in which case the latter, the copy that is, becomes the "simulacrum" of the former).

    Here are a few points worth discussing:
    1- "Zahra felt asshe had missed a heart-beat due to this inglorious decision and felt extremely upset." I don't know why it reads to something like "Zahra felt as if..".
    2- "Thus she had envisaged for herself and had actively aspired for all her past life": I'm under the impression that this is a sentence fragment, unless you mean it otherwise, of course.
    3- "shuttered into pieces": I think it should be "shattered".
    4- "all what": I think all is always followed by "that".
    5- "Memory of ex-another colleague": This seems to me awkward (if I may); "of another ex-colleague" sounds better, I'd venture.
    6- "This came to an end to the cherished dream of Zahra": "put an end to something," I'd suggest. "come to an end" implies that the process itself is over and therefore cannot "come an end to" something.
    7- "all what she had thought of pertaining to woman": all that she had thought of as pertaining to," I'd suggest.
    8- "she fell that something strong hauling her to his side.": she felt (a typo, doubtless) that something strong was hauling .."

    I think a few commas are needed here and there, especially in relation to the relative clauses, where their presence/ absence is crucial. (Defining and non-defining).
    To end on a positive note, I'd say that the story has made me feel as if I were among the characters. It really epitomizes the "plight" or the "predicament" of modern Arab women.

    Thank you
    Best regards,
    Khalid EL AREF

  9. #9
    الصورة الرمزية محمد نعمان الحكيمي شاعر
    تاريخ التسجيل : Apr 2006
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    افتراضي

    Good job , man
    however,you are troubling yourself for nothing man
    Actually most of what you have noticed are not errors at all
    Maybe you are right in the misspelling of shattered but thIs does not mean that the writer is not acquainted with


    (thus came to an end the cherished dream )
    the sentence starts with thus
    not this
    nor put an end which i know it very well man



    Anyhow ,

    I really appreciate your efforts
    and wish you a glorious future

    Kindest regards

    Hakimi
    ever learner
    التعديل الأخير تم بواسطة محمد نعمان الحكيمي ; 04-10-2013 الساعة 01:25 AM

  10. #10
    قلم منتسب
    تاريخ التسجيل : May 2012
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    افتراضي

    Dome? Seed? I see.
    Of course, your English is "perfect ! I shouldn't have been so "critical."
    Regards,

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